Confusion Hill

Originally published at Route 96. You can comment here or there.

But it was Confusion Hill that won the Jenkie award for Absolute Lamest Tourist Attraction in the Nation, beating out even the historical bell museum in Eureka Springs and the future birthplace of Captain Kirk. The secret of the Hill’s success? It is in fact three (3) utterly lame attractions all in one:

1. The “Confusion Hill Mystery”: a “mysterious” house built on a slant. That’s it.
2. The Mountain Train Ride: in an innovative twist on the Drive-Thru Tree, Confusion Hill featured a little train that went through a tree. It might have been fun once, at least for people on certain medications. Unfortunately, a storm two winters ago knocked the tree over (its root system fatally weakened by the tunnel going through it) and squashed the train flat.
3. The Confusion Hill Shoe House: an empty wooden shed–you couldn’t really call it a house–that was shaped nothing at all like a shoe.

Babes & Bunyans

Originally published at Route 96. You can comment here or there.

The last and perhaps best named attraction in this cavalcade of rather hurting tourist traps were the Trees of Mystery. I’m sorry to report that the Trees of Mystery were just closing by the time we got there, so just what was so special about them remains… a mystery. In the Trees of Mystery parking lot, however, was a giant statue of Paul Bunyan and his blue ox, Babe. We sauntered over for some photos, amused by the family of Euro-children talking to the statues (and also by the fact that Babe the giant ox was anatomically correct), when suddenly, the giant lumber jack answered the children in a big booming voice.

There must have been a guy inside Paul Bunyan somewhere peeking out, whose job was to banter with the visitors to the Trees of Mystery. “HELLOOO DOWN THERE!” he’d say. “YOU IN THE MOTOR HOME! HAVE YOU VISITED MY GIFT SHOP? WHY NOT MAKE YOURSELF A SOUVENIR PENNY OR TRY SOME TREES OF MYSTERY FUDGE?” Paul wasn’t having much luck chatting with the German kids, however. They kept shouting up questions like “Are you made ov metal or ov vood?” And he’d mishear them, booming back, “AM I BETTER OR AM I GOOD?” Good times.

You-Had-To-Be-There Moment #66

“Well, it looks like there’s space for a handicapped motorcyclist.”