Christ of the Ozarks

Originally published at Route 96. You can comment here or there.

Front row: Pete. Middle row: Rob. Back row: Christ.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one: Gerald and Elna Smith were two normal, religious Arkansans until the night that Gerald awoke in a cold sweat (cue James Brown) from a terrible vision that strife and warfare in the Middle East would destroy the historic shrines and temples of the Holy Land. So Gerald and Elna did what any God-fearing American would do: they built a New Holy Land, with life-sized recreations of all the Bible’s major landmarks: the Inn at Bethlehem, the Mount of Olives, the Gift Shop at Galilee. They’ve even got Moses’ Tabernacle in the Wilderness, for those of a more Jewish persuasion.

Really, the New Holy Land (or NHL, to those in the know) (cue Hockey Night in Canada theme) is much better than the boring old real Holy Land, and not just because of the relative dearth of suicide bombers. Does the old Holy Land offer all of these sacred exhibits for one low price, half price for children or seniors, including all you can eat dinner buffet with dessert, one drink, and gratuity? Is the old Holy Land “just 48 scenic miles from Branson, Missouri”? Does the old Holy Land have pizza and yogurt shops, plus a fully air-conditioned bus drivers’ lounge? Does the old Holy Land have THE SECOND LARGEST STATUE OF JESUS HARRY S TRUMAN CHRIST IN THE ENTIRE WORLD?

Yeah. That’s what I thought.

Unfortunately for us, the NHL is closed on Mondays, so we never got to see the stories of the bible come to life with devout Arkansas teenagers in historical costumes. But the good Samaritans at the entrance did, in their Christian mercy, let three weary wise guys from the East (okay, more the North than the East) see the awesome, if weirdly large-bosomed, seven-story Christ of the Ozarks statue. Plus the extensive Christ of the Ozarks gifts shop, no extra charge, P.T.L., amen.